depression – The Abysmal Witch

I know

I know that Venus is retrograde. She tugs on my emotions, upon the depths of my heart within my soul and spirit. The depths of old pains are risen up to the surface to demand their place in the moment, this moment, regardless of my wants or desires.

I know that I have had recent loss. I miss my baby-girl (cat), eighteen and a half years was not enough and though she slept all day and I wouldn’t see her for hours, she was there, always present now gone. Loss is in me, clear and supple in its freshness.

I know that August is an historically difficult month for me, for reasons even I don’t understand. Depression caws and calls and laughs bitter jokes at my expense, irrespective of what I think or what I do.

I know my fears about the success of my new career. Doubts abound, failure seemingly a looming danger growing with each week.

Knowing changes nothing on fear, knowing only allows a modicum of delusion, a dollop of superficial control over the emotion itself. It is dancing ants across the nape of my neck, cavorting in style over my not-yet-dead-corpse.

Knowing changes nothing. I sit and feel. Pain, sorrow, loss, fear, ragged shards pushing out from my core and piercing me, inside to out. I am jagged and fraught with danger even to myself, especially to myself.

Knowing the reasons for the feelings gives an entryway to deeper feeling, not less.

Knowing conveys an illusion of management.

Feelings will not be managed. They will not be kept or contained or bartered with no matter what parts of my soul I offer in return.

What wouldn’t we give to not feel pain?

I am submerged in the river of it and I would willingly drown if I knew that was the end of it.

But it isn’t. For the next minute continues and into the next. With all the attendant agonies crowding in for attention. Hungry children in a household without enough food. There is not enough of me left to feed them all and still be me at the end. Yet to ignore them, to deny them, to reject from them nourishment, is that truly better? They are, after all, me.

So I sit.

I hurt.

I fear.

I feel.

Hoping that the feeling will pass as a storm on the lake, leaving stillness, quiet, cleansing in its wake. Hoping the storm will pass and I remain recognizable after. Hoping the storm will pass.

~The Abysmal Witch

Old Enemy

I’ve been quiet for awhile now, dear seekers, but not for lack of wanting to share with you.

No, the desire to share has been present and willing. The rest of me has been too exhausted, too silent, too encased in on old enemy to be able to set fingers to keyboard.

No fascinating lead up, no drum roll, just a few last phrases before I reveal that cursed, hated name: depression.

Yep, I am one of the <wait for google search> one in three suffering from major depression. Oh, yippee.

As I said, he’s an old enemy (I’ve decided it’s male, at least today). We’ve spent many years together, sometimes in a row, sometimes just a few months at a go. Every now and again I go years without a visit. I could have gone another couple before running into him again.

Truly.

But here I am. Now I have the advantage of having gotten intimate with Depression in the past. I know his quirks, his faves, his peeves, his bad habits and his favourite hang-outs. Does it make any of this easier?

Objectively: yes. I know what to do to counteract at least some of the effects. I may go down the road of anti-depressants until it resolves itself. I will likely visit my therapist (been a couple of years, would be good to catch up). I stay active, engaged with people, doing things that make me happy (ha! sorry, couldn’t resist mocking that statement).

Subjectively: f*ck no. Depression SUCKS! It sucks happiness out of you, it sucks energy out of you, and yes, it sucks the soul right out of your being. It comes in waves, but in the midst of a wave all I want to do is curl up in a ball and call in “f*ck you” to life. I’m prone to irrational anger, miniscule tolerance to stupidity, and random crying fits.

I really hate crying. Gives me headaches.

So, this is where I’ve been. Wallowing. Trying desperately not to wallow. Then going to bed early because I’m too exhausted from the emotional drain to stay awake.

Yes, exhausted. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, depression is utterly exhausting. It may seem that there’s no reason for such tiredness. After all, depressed people don’t necessarily do a lot (that whole exhaustion thing) so why so tired? I believe it’s the deep intensity of the emotion. It drinks straight from your soul, taking all of your spiritual nutrients and leaving nothing for you to live off of.

And the most frustrating thing?

I feel that if I could just do a slight switch on my mental state. Just look left instead of right, I could change my whole outlook and be a happy, healthy individual.

I can see the possibility of it dangling out of reach, like the gods are playing me like a kitten. But even the kitten occasionally gets the yarn.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll catch the string. But for tonight? I’m thinking another drink before going to bed. But hey, at least I expressed myself via the blog, yes? Let’s count that for a win! 😉

Addendum: as always, this I’m sharing so that the information/idea/experience travels out into the cyber world that it may reach people who find it useful. I have no need/desire for and am certainly not seeking sympathy.

For anyone who has gone through or is going through: high five! hmmm, okay, low five!

~Abysmal Witch

Dissatisfaction.

I hate days like this.

There is an underlying pall that wants to drag me down into…I don’t even know where. Ha! A lie! I have a damn fine idea of where.

It’s all nicely hidden at the moment. A general malaise. A sense of dissatisfaction with my world but without inclination to do something different. A quiet burble of sadness happening at a level just below awareness.

The familiar questions: am I on the right path? If so, then why this feeling? If it’s not the right path, then where else should I be traveling?

Heart-tired, soul-tired, body-tired, mind-dazed, all different ways of saying sadness.

Sneaking up on me for days. No idea at all where it’s going to take me or even if I will let it take me anywhere. Such a fine line between exploring negative thoughts for the purpose of embracing/releasing them and falling prey to them.

There’s no where else to go with this for right now. Will work. Will feel (gah!). Will find a way through.

It’s the dark forest at night, when all you want to do is get home to the safety and comfort of your bed, but the owls call to each other around you and the outside chill is sneaking into your bones and bringing with it the stirrings of fear. And the only way out is to move your feet forward and walk yourself home.

Sigh.