I hate days like this.
There is an underlying pall that wants to drag me down into…I don’t even know where. Ha! A lie! I have a damn fine idea of where.
It’s all nicely hidden at the moment. A general malaise. A sense of dissatisfaction with my world but without inclination to do something different. A quiet burble of sadness happening at a level just below awareness.
The familiar questions: am I on the right path? If so, then why this feeling? If it’s not the right path, then where else should I be traveling?
Heart-tired, soul-tired, body-tired, mind-dazed, all different ways of saying sadness.
Sneaking up on me for days. No idea at all where it’s going to take me or even if I will let it take me anywhere. Such a fine line between exploring negative thoughts for the purpose of embracing/releasing them and falling prey to them.
There’s no where else to go with this for right now. Will work. Will feel (gah!). Will find a way through.
It’s the dark forest at night, when all you want to do is get home to the safety and comfort of your bed, but the owls call to each other around you and the outside chill is sneaking into your bones and bringing with it the stirrings of fear. And the only way out is to move your feet forward and walk yourself home.
Sigh.
Hey Saturn,
Just wanted you to know you are NOT alone. I sooooo resonated with everything you said, and in fact actually told a friend acouple days ago pretty much the same words as you — If this is what it feels like to be Spiritual, why would anyone want to be?
I have felt, and recently so, everything you describe. And from the sounds of it, pretty much everyone is right now. So if you need, or would like, another source of support, please feel free to email me. I would love to help if I can.
Hugs,
~Patrick
Hugs to you, too, Patrick.
Why would anyone go through this as part of being spiritual? Because we’re feeling! We’re experiencing! We’re living our lives not just wandering through them dazed and blanched out by too many hours in front of a screen telling us things. 🙂
Thank you very much for your offer of support. This wasn’t unfamiliar territory and I’ve managed it just fine. life perks up as it always does. Another good reminder and message.
Hopefully you’re feeling better. If not, well I’m here and listening (if sporadic about responding to things – damn pesky busy life lol).
More hugs! With a lovely muffin too as a friend would suggest.
Thanks Saturn,
I again agree with everything you said, and have indeed pulled myself out of a not too unfamiliar territory as well. Life truly does always perk up and I wouldn’t trade a moment of the spiritual life for an unconscious one.
Oooo! Muffin! Is that… lavender? 🙂