I’ve been very focused lately on what I “should” be doing, what “needs” to be done. To accomplish this, to do what’s appropriate with that. Not just with work things, but in my play as well.
In fact, I realized tonight that I haven’t been playing. I’ve been approaching all of my ‘fun’ things with a work ‘must get done’ attitude.
It’s not hard to see where this came from. During my two years of major transitions, I kept to my hobbies, my crafts, by determination and will alone it seemed somedays. I was exhausted through much of those days and I would have these litanies in my head such as “okay, you can rest, but right after you get that mead racked”. Taking care of my mead became another list on my list of things. It needed to or it would have stopped. And I was NOT going to be stopped from continuing to do something I love.
o,O
And let’s face another reality while I’m at it. I’m inherently lazy. I don’t want to do the things. I want to lie on my couch with a book in my hands, tea to my side, cat on my legs and while away my afternoons. Rain or shine doesn’t matter, they are both conducive to a lazy afternoon reading. Doing anything beyond that requires a certain level of determination from me. I feel like every hobby I pick up comes with the weight of fear and depression and childish whining of ‘it’s too hard’. I don’t know when these things crept onto and started to leech at my joys, but it has happened. Badly.
In a nutshell? I’ve forgotten how to play.
So I’m going to try something new. I hope. I’m going to try and find the play in my interests. Grins in my hobbies. Laughter in my crafts.
Tonight I played with my three favourite card decks. Joie de Vivre, Thoth and the Celtic Book of the Dead cards. Check out the spreads, my friend!:
Each one with a tale. Each one whispering of things to learn and to discover. Life has changed. My emotions will run strong and there will be storms and high seas. And therein too lies the joy and the fun. Living is going to feel good! Or, well intense. Intensity can be its own good sometimes. Any way, though, I hope to embrace and live and try to find the fun and the bounce. To do what I love because of love.
What is fed, grows.
Saturn,
the Abysmal Witch