Had to do the grocery shopping today, part of life’s necessities, but I also do it as a once/week big shop and cook to see me through most of the week (too busy most days to worry about cooking and that pesky lunch thing! just nicer to have leftovers to reheat).
I was in the grocery store and I wanted desperately to pick up something tasty and satisfying that I could gorge myself on. That I could eat until the deepest parts of my soul were satisfied. I wanted to slurp it up, shove it in my mouth, eat and eat and eat until utterly and completely satiated.
This is not a good feeling.
This is a feeling born of something deeper and nastier.
But I didn’t think about that. I just wanted to satisfy the craving <little voice in back of head crying out “warning! WARNING!!!”>.
Problem was, I’ve embraced a fiscally responsible world, with a budget for things like groceries, and I’ve been working on losing weight by being conscious of what I’m eating.
So everything I looked at either a) cost money I wasn’t willing to spend or b) wasn’t perfect enough for satisfying the gorge desire to warrant the calorie cost.
Went through the whole grocery store going, “hmmm?” ummmm “naaaahhh”. It was a rather annoying and clearly pointless trip to the store. I bought vegetables and meat for tonight’s dinner and this week’s lunches. Cereal for breakfast. A vitamin and fresh bandaids (Disney princess faeries this time hehehe). No donut croissants, no bags of chips, no chocolate bar or candy or anything “bad” for me yet oh-so-tasty.
Why? Because every temptation I picked up I did an internal test of “will this satisfy my need to gorge? Enough so that it’s worth the calorie & financial cost?” And the answer was always no.
And you know what happened when I got home?
I had my cereal breakfast for dinner (it was a weird and rather backwards day in many ways). And I felt full. Not utterly satisfied, but full and in no need of further food. So much for the gorging desire. A bowl of cereal filled me up to the “I don’t want to eat anymore right now” state.
This was an almost accidental handling of the emotional burning urge that underlied the gorging desire.
And I’m damn glad.
If I was really good I’d sit down with the feeling and get closer to understanding its source and its underlying need. But instead, heading to bed, strangely satisfied with the results of my day.