I am a delicate flower

Delicate Flower

I am raw.
My edges bruise at the faintest touch
Like a peach balanced at the edge of over ripe
Each difficulty
Each push back
Each slight murmur of error
And I am burnt with shame
Enfolded in fear
Lost in doubt
With just a soupçon of rage underlying it all

I seek bold
Fearless
UNSTOPPABLE (I’m looking at you t-rex)

These states run from me
Faster than I can chase
Or even see
And I am touched
By disquiet, disturbance, distrust
Failure looms not (not truly, not in this moment)
Yet is is my sword of Damocles
I am cursed by its weight
“I’m not touching you”
It says like an eight year old in the throes of being eight
And as unignorable
I can think of nothing else
I consider tossing away my Work
Easier to do that than live with fear
Easier to do nothing than be bound
By anxiety never-ending

I am a delicate flower
Without the luxury of living safe

I am a delicate flower and I am afraid.

 

Halloween Philosiphizing

The other day I was thinking.  I know, I know, it was a dangerous thing for my poor little mind, but sometimes even I need to go down that road.  And after some minutes of the poor little mice struggling to overcome inertia and get the wheels turning stuff like the following spewed out:

Halloween is one of the few co-created society-wide events in our society.  Christmas is another one, the other “major” holidays less so.  These are events where a majority of people buy into the event and work together to create an atmosphere.  With Christmas, for example, people put lights on their houses and decorations outside for others to share in as an experience.

Small examples of this that I’ve experienced are small weekend pagan events where we all agree to co-create a particular world around us.  I go to one entitled Pirates & Faeries.  Everyone dresses up, decorates their living space, and work together to decorate our shared spaces.  The results are spectacular.  We live within a fantasy world that we have all worked together to create.  Which also means that everywhere you go lies within that world so long as you stay within the boundaries.

Halloween is co-created on a much grander scale.  Sure people opt out, but enough opt in that the entire day becomes a co-created “fantastical” world.

Monsters and dead things abound.

My gods, just think about this, being fearful is encouraged and celebrated.  And then we’re taught to laugh at our fears.  We are taught to wear our fears on the outside of our skin, to BE the very horrors that have us hiding under our covers.

How gods-freaking-fabulous-tastic is that?

Seriously.  Look at this outlet we have given ourselves from mundane reality, and it’s for everyone!  AND we’re saying it’s okay to be scared.  And we’ll join with everyone else in making it happen.  How wacked is that?

This is the only holiday/celebration in my society that goes beyond the shared co-creating of an environment (xmas does that with all the lights and external decorations) and invites us to GO INTO EACH OTHERS LIVES!

There are only two generally, sort of accepted ways to visit someone’s house if you don’t know them:

1) you’re selling something, from god to floor cleaners, cookies to makeup, you’re there to sell.

2) you’re begging for help, like a phone call for your car, a run-over pet, psychotic man in mask trying to kill you who turns out to be your brother who killed your older sister many years before and has now escaped from the prison/sanitarium and is now going to kill you

But then there is this bizarre, magical third reason:

3)  It’s Halloween.

Um, wtf?  Why on earth is it acceptable on this one day of the year to go wandering to some strangers house, ring their door, and ask for CANDY?!?

Just stop and think about it for a minute if it hasn’t already struck you.  Outside of Halloween, have you ever just gone up to somebody’s house, knocked on their door and expected to receive something nice?    Just try and picture it happening.  Try and picture doing it.

It’s weird.

And yet on Halloween, it’s expected.  And that it’s okay for kids to do it (even now when we’re terrified to let them touch dirt let alone talk to strangers).  And that those who have opted in (with the lit pumpkin) have agreed to a social contract to open that door and give out goodies.

This is so freaking bizarre it makes me proud to live here.

~Abysmal Witch, in her element.

Dissatisfaction.

I hate days like this.

There is an underlying pall that wants to drag me down into…I don’t even know where.  Ha!  A lie!  I have a damn fine idea of where.

It’s all nicely hidden at the moment.  A general malaise.  A sense of dissatisfaction with my world but without inclination to do something different.  A quiet burble of sadness happening at a level just below awareness.

The familiar questions:  am I on the right path?  If so, then why this feeling?  If it’s not the right path, then where else should I be traveling?

Heart-tired, soul-tired, body-tired, mind-dazed, all different ways of saying sadness.

Sneaking up on me for days.  No idea at all where it’s going to take me or even if I will let it take me anywhere.  Such a fine line between exploring negative thoughts for the purpose of embracing/releasing them and falling prey to them.

There’s no where else to go with this for right now.  Will work.  Will feel (gah!).  Will find a way through.

It’s the dark forest at night, when all you want to do is get home to the safety and comfort of your bed, but the owls call to each other around you and the outside chill is sneaking into your bones and bringing with it the stirrings of fear.  And the only way out is to move your feet forward and walk yourself home.

Sigh.