spirituality – The Abysmal Witch

Old Enemy

I’ve been quiet for awhile now, dear seekers, but not for lack of wanting to share with you.

No, the desire to share has been present and willing. The rest of me has been too exhausted, too silent, too encased in on old enemy to be able to set fingers to keyboard.

No fascinating lead up, no drum roll, just a few last phrases before I reveal that cursed, hated name: depression.

Yep, I am one of the <wait for google search> one in three suffering from major depression. Oh, yippee.

As I said, he’s an old enemy (I’ve decided it’s male, at least today). We’ve spent many years together, sometimes in a row, sometimes just a few months at a go. Every now and again I go years without a visit. I could have gone another couple before running into him again.

Truly.

But here I am. Now I have the advantage of having gotten intimate with Depression in the past. I know his quirks, his faves, his peeves, his bad habits and his favourite hang-outs. Does it make any of this easier?

Objectively: yes. I know what to do to counteract at least some of the effects. I may go down the road of anti-depressants until it resolves itself. I will likely visit my therapist (been a couple of years, would be good to catch up). I stay active, engaged with people, doing things that make me happy (ha! sorry, couldn’t resist mocking that statement).

Subjectively: f*ck no. Depression SUCKS! It sucks happiness out of you, it sucks energy out of you, and yes, it sucks the soul right out of your being. It comes in waves, but in the midst of a wave all I want to do is curl up in a ball and call in “f*ck you” to life. I’m prone to irrational anger, miniscule tolerance to stupidity, and random crying fits.

I really hate crying. Gives me headaches.

So, this is where I’ve been. Wallowing. Trying desperately not to wallow. Then going to bed early because I’m too exhausted from the emotional drain to stay awake.

Yes, exhausted. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, depression is utterly exhausting. It may seem that there’s no reason for such tiredness. After all, depressed people don’t necessarily do a lot (that whole exhaustion thing) so why so tired? I believe it’s the deep intensity of the emotion. It drinks straight from your soul, taking all of your spiritual nutrients and leaving nothing for you to live off of.

And the most frustrating thing?

I feel that if I could just do a slight switch on my mental state. Just look left instead of right, I could change my whole outlook and be a happy, healthy individual.

I can see the possibility of it dangling out of reach, like the gods are playing me like a kitten. But even the kitten occasionally gets the yarn.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll catch the string. But for tonight? I’m thinking another drink before going to bed. But hey, at least I expressed myself via the blog, yes? Let’s count that for a win! 😉

Addendum: as always, this I’m sharing so that the information/idea/experience travels out into the cyber world that it may reach people who find it useful. I have no need/desire for and am certainly not seeking sympathy.

For anyone who has gone through or is going through: high five! hmmm, okay, low five!

~Abysmal Witch

Paganism 101

Firelyte from Inciting a Riot made a facebook post that inspired this train wreck of a thought. 😀 Though to be fair, it really had nothing to do with what I’m planning to talk about.

What he said that got me thinking (and we know how hard that is!) were the words “paganism” and “101” in a related sentence.

And I end up thinking “is it possible to have a Paganism 101 book?”

I don’t think it is.

We have Wicca 101s and Heathenism 101s and it certainly wouldn’t surprise me to see Druirdry 101s and there are tarot 101s and rune 101s and herbalism 101s. Or in other words, there are intro books to all kinds of topics that are of interest to pagans.

And oh gods, I’m going to do it. I can’t believe it, but I am going down the road that all sane pagans should avoid: defining paganism.

My gods, there are almost as many definitions of paganism as there are paths within it. With nuances and blatant differences, arguments and bickering. It’s a point that pushes us away from each other rather than drawing us together (funny, isn’t it? given that it is a community term?). But I’m going there any way.

This is my opinion. It is endorsed by no one by me. YOUR WORLDVIEW MAY VARY. And that’s perfectly grand and fine. However, if you end up agreeing with me, I can’t help but think that’s a little grander and finer, but then, we’re all egotists at heart.

My definition is born out of what I witness as being included by those within and without the practices that get lumped under that poor maligned umbrella.

There are two components: magical practice and spirituality.

Only one is required for falling under the pagan umbrella. Yes, I am saying that you do not have to be spiritual to be pagan. You also don’t have to be a tree-hugger. Neither do you have to believe in magic.

Magical practices that tend to get lumped into paganism: hermeticism, occasionally alchemy, thelema (yes, that’s the Crowley stuff), hoodoo (though this one is frequently debated), witchcraft as craft, not religion.

Spiritual practices that tend to get lumped into paganism: wicca, druidry, heathenism, voodoo (sometimes but debated), goddess-worship, reconstructionist religions (particularly of Europe)

Some magical practices have a spiritual component.

Some spiritual practices have a magical component.

Any and all of these get lumped as paganism. It’s no wonder that my paganism isn’t like anyone else’s. And neither is yours.

Stage 2 of my definition of paganism. How a person is identified. You can be a) self-identified or b) identified by others.

We generally allow for self-identification of paganism…and not. But you know what? That’s only half the battle for me. If you self-identify as pagan but your behaviour is that of a muslim, I will disagree with your self-assessment and do not consider you pagan. If you do not self-identify as pagan but your spiritual practice revolves around goddess-worship, nature-worship and seasonal celebrations, well, then, you can deny it as much as you like but I’m still going to view you as pagan.

Not that I discount the self-identification. But frankly, it alone doesn’t do it for me.

Now coming back for a moment to the spiritual component, obviously it is more complicated than just a simple list. How do we decide which spiritual practices count as pagan? Well, if they are european reconstructions or descendents, excluding Christianity, we tend to include them. If they are nature-based, we tend to include them. If they have goddess worship (but not Mary), then we tend to include them.

If a practice has a strong connection to one of the “big” religions, then it ain’t paganism. But still, it’s not like we’re everything that’s left over. Some people like to include First Nations practices in paganism. I personally consider paganism to be a european creation, but I’m willing to negotiate on this one. And that, my dears, is the fun part of paganism.

It is a communal fictional dream.

There is no one practice that constitutes paganism. You can’t even say that a magical component is required because it isn’t! You can goddess worship and nature worship and old god worship without ever touching magic. Yes, many of the spiritual practices under the label do have a magical component but that’s cuz we like to have a combined world rather than a segregated one. But when you look at what we include under the umbrella, it is most definitely NOT an AND situation. It’s an either/or/and situation.

So given all this, how could there possibly be a Paganism 101 book?

To have an intro book on how to do something, there has to be a single, DEFINABLE practice that is done. All of the 101s I listed above are definable and separable from the topic herd. Paganism is its own topic herd. You’d have to cover a dozen different items in a Paganism 101 book and even then, none of them would have to be included and you wouldn’t cover every possible pagan contingency.

None of them would have to be included. Doesn’t that say it all?

I can’t think of a single requirement that applies to all groups that can be considered pagan. Not one. Okay, not one that can’t also be applied to any other major religion.

There is not a unique identifier to paganism. Not one thing you can point at and go, absolutely, ALL pagans have that. There are things that you can point to and will think ‘well, hell, ya, that’s pagan all right.’ but nothing that applies to everybody.

I’ve been in pagan groups with the hermetic, the thelemite, the druid and the wiccan, and the self-identified pagan who adheres to no particular path (but who embraces some of the components listed above).

Oh, those pesky “i’m pagan” people. They make it extra tricky. They’re not in one of the handy dandy defined categories listed above. They’re comfortable as being just pagan. Their spiritual practice may be earth-based, it may be goddess-based, it may not be. But you watch them in their behaviour and you’ll either agree with their statement or not. If you do, well they self-identified and you agree, ergo they’re pagan. If they do, and you don’t, well they may not be. They may be inappropriately using the label. It does happen.

So given all this, do you think it’s possible to do a Paganism 101?

If it is, what would it look like?

Honour the seasons? Hugs some trees (I don’t mean it in a derogatory way, I’m just enjoying saying it…now I want to go and hug a tree, either oak or willow I’m thinking)? And don’t forget that if you’re interested, there’s this magical thing that’s possible to?

So, again, no, I don’t think it is possible to have a Paganism 101.

HOWEVER, none of this means that I don’t believe in the pagan label. I do. It unites us with people who also seek to elevate themselves, who celebrate the same things we do (mostly), with people who make the best conversations. By banding together in a larger group we become a greater force.

And by allowing such fabulous diversity amongst our ‘bigger’ group, we help to keep ourselves open minded and flexible. And that is a recipe for health in my book.

And with that, my beloved crazies, I have reached the end of this ranting tale. Til next time, live strong!

~Abysmal Witch

An illicit pleasure in lists of achievement

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I like to make lists. In particular, I like to list what I’ve accomplished in a day. And I don’t want to just make a written list, I want to tell people. I don’t because what could be more boring? (Okay, maybe somedays I do with a tweet or to an unlucky close friend, but I really am showing a lot of restraint!)

Maybe it feels more real if I tell others? Maybe I’m shouting my pride out to the world? I don’t know, but somehow the thrill of accomplishment is even greater when I can splatter shot the world with proof of it.

On the flip side, there is something really great about listing all you got done in a day. And if you balance that achievement against how you felt at the start of the day (or how inspired you felt during the day), most times I find I come out ahead. As in, I’m really freaking proud of what I’ve accomplished.

I take time to count the little things. It’s easy to count the big things, but the little things can matter even more. Why? Because they are what you are doing everyday. If you wait for the thrill of success from a big thing, you could be waiting for awhile. If you count up your little ‘done’ items, you can be proud of yourself everyday.

Some days just getting out of bed is the biggest accomplishment (that’s where you have to take into account your state of being that you were accomplishing things in, because it can dramatically affect your output and acknowledging that puts a supposed ‘lack’ of accomplishment into its proper perspective).

Other days the list of things that got done can be huge! I love those days. They’re usually cleaning days (errand days are pretty good, but errand running can take a lot longer than intended). The trick is not to count the overall task as just one thing, but to break it out into its component parts that could have been done separately, on different days even.

We forget about the little things. To count them as part of the larger whole. Sometimes to plan for them (remembered everything for the ritual except something that could actually light a fire, oops!). It’s so easy to dismiss them as next to nothing.

But they’re not! Those little things make up the big moments. Those little things are what life is made of. When you tally the little things, you start to see just how full life is. Don’t gloss over it by using big labels that ignore all the pieces that make it up.

Think I’m going to go make a list of all the things I got done today. And then I’m going to bask in the glow of how damn good I feel about myself. 😀

Life ho!

Society Encourages the ‘Me’-A Spiritual Christmas?

Okay, so a couple of days I got a tad tipsy, saw an ad that was for some high ticket item. It was definitely a Christmas ad, but it was promoting that we buy the item for ourselves, not for others. This led to something of a rant.

I’ve hopefully cleaned it up enough that you can garner some smidge of a booze-addled insight from my rantings. Feel free to correct me.

(Of course, it’s always possible that the commentary is also completely obvious, but letting it out made me feel good.)

Christmas ads are apparently now about getting stuff for yourself, before christmas. Giving license to all of us to be self-interested at this time of year. Oh yeah, don’t forget to get something for the people you care about, but don’t you also care about yourself? If you did, you would buy that fabulously priced 60″ lcd tv now to save yourself stress and money. Waiting for Boxing Day and using only those funds left after christmas that you can afford? That’s just silly talk.

We’re saying it’s okay to put yourself first.

Do you remember when Christmas was about giving to other people and yes, also about getting, but it was about what other people gave you. It wasn’t about what you could get for yourself. When did it stop being a social, community, all about each other event and become all about the Me?

The Me? What’s that? You know, the individual, the I I I me me me that wants to come first. Like when we were five and didn’t really get why we had to share our toys. Mine first, you can have it later if I decide to give it to you. All about me.

And here we are, 17 days to Christmas and the ads are telling us to go out and buy this cool ‘x’ for ourselves.

Commercialism is clearly driving our society. It is the driver of the chariot of our social opinions. It gets money by getting us to spend. We’re letting it tell us that it’s time to let go of the spiritual meanings in our lives in pursuit of getting the next cool thing.

It makes me ill. It’s hard enough holding onto, finding, and/or drinking in our spiritual experiences. It’s just that much harder when we are being slapped at every turn with instructions on how to be a more selfish, self-interested, self-involved individual.

Show your love this season by showing that you care. Which does not mean buying the biggest thing you possible can….for yourself.

Okay, I admit, I should stop watching tv again.

Happy holidays!

Wandering at Williams Park

What a beautiful day for a walk. The sun is shining but the heat is in the happy bearable range. The wind is brushing skin but not trying to take out weak trees (that was a couple of days ago, what a windstorm!). It was time for another walk through childhood memories.

Williams Park was a huge favourite growing up. Sure, it had big, wide open spaces, but far more importantly, it had (and has) a creek that is the perfect wading depth for children.

Or adults for that matter.

Yes, I took that picture while standing in the middle of the creek and I can honestly say that the water was wonderfully cool.

I wandered up through the hilly parts and found trees:

And of course trees have leaves:

And some of the leaves were in front of other leaves:

And then there were the different looking leaves (wild rhododendrum?):

Then it was back down to the many trails along the side of the creek and into the bushes. A little too into the bushes in some cases, but that’s okay.

Lucky for me, I got the chance to embrace my love of water AND my love of roots. Life is good.

Now if you flip the perspective of water then roots to roots then water, you get something more like this:

I also found some lovely big mushrooms growing on stumps:

And baby mushrooms inside of a stump:

I even found some lovely spiderwebs, such as this one:

Alas, it was time to leave, a final walk back up the path to the car I went:

This park is such a beautiful place, I really must remember to go back more often. Funny how when we return to things and places and people we enjoy, that we’ve spent too long away from, that we have that experience of ‘I really should do this/see them/go here more often’. Why don’t we?

Why don’t we fill our lives with things we enjoy this much?

Is it because when we do do things we enjoy all the time that the specialness drifts away as familiarity grows?

Or are we so lost in the day to day practical that we forget to embrace the day to day joys?

I really hope it’s the first.

~Abysmal Witch