I don’t know.
I don’t know how to feel. How to bring my emotions up to the level of my awareness and breathe them out.
I don’t know what I feel. Am I anxious? Stressed? Hurt? Angry? There is a mishmash of emotions and all of them edged but not as much as in the recent past. There are things gnawing at me, mild distress over choices made that apparently went wrong, feeling judged, feeling wrong.
I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. Where do my actions sit on the appropriate line? Does it even matter? Probably not. It isn’t a global catastrophe or even a localized one. Just a sense of unsettled and unright. Which is not the same as wrong.
I don’t know if there’s anything more to do. Should I do more? Should I care? Should I do less?
Should I walk away?
How do I put down the little worries? How do I put down the second guessing? How do I walk away from the endless considerations of possibilities?
I don’t know.
And that, Dear Self, is living.
When time moves too quickly, when everything is a rush of move-move-move do-do-do run-run-run, life becomes a blur.
Focus is lost.
Details are smudged and become simply part of the background.
But isn’t life in the details?
Feeling alive happens in the moment.
The sharpest, most intense memories are those moments we were present for. I remember the feel of the lounger under me when we were in Mexico, the feel of the sun on my back, the wind in the few trees that provided some shade, even a hint of smell in the air. Because I was present for it. There was nowhere else I was thinking of being, no thoughts of other things to do that stole me away from that moment. I was there, present, engaged in my own life. I could list many such memories. I hope you can too.
It’s easy to avoid the things we don’t enjoy just by not being present for them. And that’s okay. But sometimes life just gets on a fast track of ‘need-to-get-things-done’ and we forget to breathe, to look around, to pay attention to the details.
That’s been my life for the last week. Two weeks? I’m not even sure how long it’s been because it’s become that blurry.
There’s still things to get done but I think it’s time to start taking time out. Periodically slow down. Take a deep breath.